Compulsive Risk Assessment Psychosis

Nimbin Street Shuffle by Undacuva. From the journal of the North Coasts longest serving covert.

In Canberra they’re comparing Nimbin to Afghanistan . The MBK, Military Big Knobs, are studying the two unwinnable wars as they desperately search for exit strategies for both. Crunch time approaches, decisions have to be made. That’s why you may have seen the Big Brass snooping around the tiny weed village.

Work out the answer to the little village war that on paper should be a cinch, and it may save us in Kandahar . And has my local knowledge been sought after? Flavour of the month if I say so meself. Obama the Magnificent was the catalyst again, writing to the Rudder telling him he wouldn’t come to Oz if they blocked the Hemp Party registration.

Rudder and the Swan had realised Stoners could hold the balance of power if they get elected, or even help another Green Senator get in, so it had to be fixed. And was, until Obama pulled the plug on that little plan. Then the MBK leaked the stats on drug war expenses related to success in the tiny village and the rest is history.

Gillard never minded potheads anyway. She didn’t like losing control herself but loved the company of stoners at university. “They had the best ideas, even if they couldn’t always follow them through.” Her choofing mates taught her early on proper bong etiquette and she was the favoured muller and packer at the parties, running a very tight ship making sure even the most reticent got their share of cones. In her first year at Uni she was made secretary of the all powerful Mullers and Packers Union.


In Canberra she asked me about the Stoner policies. I assured her ‘the hippies will put the environment before investment everytime. They plan on changing the world and believe they have the plant to do it.’ She smiled her monalisa welsh best grinning from ear to ear which reminded me how her homeland grows the best magic mushrooms on the planet. The reason so many great musicians are born there. In one extraordinary day we moved from the Rudders frightened ‘evidence based approval’ needs, to the mystical Gillard country where gnomes are normal and mushrooms on toast for breakfast are not always what they appear to be.

Operation Clean Up Nimbin never missed a beat however and is still in full swing, don’t worry, and the clock is ticking. As you know when you enter the Force everyone else then becomes a criminal waiting to be discovered. We’ve now tagged every person who shopped for groceries in Nimbin in the last two months. Over 10,000 tags. Descriptions, photos, short profiles and points allocated. 5 for long hair, very short 3, beards 3-6 depending on length, barefeet 6, hippy or colouful clothes 2, dreadlocks 4, etc etc…..the computers do it all but because many photos are blurry or too grainy everyone is personally checked by two of our people. Talk about boring, lucky we have the pick of the confiscated weed. Most of the tags come from satellite images which are costing a fortune.

The $14 million spent pulling weeds in Nimbin over the last 3 years will be dwarfed by the cost of “Operation End” in the next 6 months. The vast majority of course, about 85% of the budget, is going on consultants, study missions, reports and recommendations. But the real issue is morale, the same as in Afghanistan . Remembering why we are in the war and how well we are doing is never far away for the troops headspace. Compulsive Risk Assessment Psychosis (CRAP) is the new terror and spreading like an Aussie bushfire in a gale amongst troops on both fronts.

Here in Nimbin the computer imagery is throwing up ridiculously happy level stats with only minor CRAP around Rainbow Lane . Unfortunately one address reached the full alert level, 38 Cullen Street . Most embarrassing for the Boss. I told the Dalai Lama and he said our shocking Karma is building to a crescendo and the guilt burden is crippling some of the young and pretty Undas who seduce and put our youth in the lock up. They are the frontline high risk troops simply taking orders but the cracks appearing are too big to ignore. In the middle of all this the Tourism Authority releases its annual popularity poll and it seems that those forms you fill out as you are leaving the country has the Opera House as the most visited site in Oz, closely followed by a WKNTA (Well Known Nimbin Tourist Attraction.) The figures were buried of course with the MBK catatonic about never ever letting hippies get positive media. It took one hell of a joint session to bring them out of it I can tell you, but nobody else.


Virtually every Unda, Over, Informer and Uniformer is working the machines compiling the reports so the street is a free for all for now, as you may have noticed. Enjoy it while you can because the Gillard factor is coming, and us girls see it all a bit differently, eh girls? For a start she will probably call an early election before the Hempsters get registered. That will fix the cocky hippies and show Obama who’s really in charge.

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