UNDACUVAVATAR:

Lost Undies!

…more from the journal of a confused Undacuva. Avatar the movie you may not realise was inspired by, well not exactly me, but definitely partly me, and all the other Undas who’ve been converted by those they are spying on.

The movies success has exploded the Unda profession no end. Over fifty percent of “Join the Cops” enquiries this last month wanted to be Undas. So many the Big Bosses decided to introduce quality control. We’ve never had it before, in fact there were never enough applicants, but this new development has sent people into shock.

Half our old informers can’t read and many are violent and used to getting away with anything they fancy. Often they were hired to do just that. For years it’s been official policy to “maintain the mess called Nimbin”. The Old Boss used to repeat endlessly, “we can’t have those hippies looking peaceful, no matter what”. Which justified all sorts of disruptive behaviour for us Undas as you can imagine.

Not one local informer passed the new quality control tests. Can you believe it? And with a line a mile long of new Undas wanting work (should that read weed?) the PTB, (Powers That Be) saw it as an opportune time to sign out some undaperformers. “Out with the new and in with the old”, announced the Boss, completely arseabout as usual. No one had ever been sacked before, or we couldn’t remember anyone.

All outgoing Undas were offered a grand a month or half a pound instead. The Unda Union was awesome and we settled on a grand a month PLUS an ounce and a half a week. We then signed our life away with promises to never reveal the secrets but they lost all the hard earned knowledge acquired from years of sitting in smoky feral hippy camps with recorders taped in our Undies. Which usually meant sex was off the menu. Not always easy I can tell you.

Several of us were immediately snapped up by P.I.Inc for the Obama visits Oz in March Mission. It’s a daring business the Politics of Unda. The only skin protecting me now is ‘the knowledge’ as it’s known in the trade. Believe me I got dirt on everyone and what I’m about to tell you could get me in a lot of trouble. But it’s in the nature of Undas to take risks and in fact many of the mercenaries, or “private contractors” as we call them in Kabul today, cut their teeth in Nimbin. Your village has a lot to brag about, if you want too. Many, many firsts. 

I’m on special “local knowledge consultant pay” for the next month as it seems they really are considering Nimbin and the Tweed as Obamas spot to visit. Rudds people have been asking all about ‘how to roll a fatty’ so Kevin won’t look too inexperienced at the planned Joint Session! Apparently the President jumped at the chance to reassure Rudd about inhaling when the Dalai Lama talked to him about the persecution of Nimbin at their recent meeting. Told you everything happens for a reason!

This week I’ve been keeping a protective eye on the four CIA early birds who are filming the Nimbin street scene endlessly, you must have seen them. Apparently they were going to replace several hundred local identities with their own people as lookalikes for the day Obama comes but matching the freaks in this village is not as easy as they imagined. So if we miss out on the Presidential Tour you now know why.

Footnote: The Plantation Squad said to thank whoever left the note for them with the boxes of several thousand seedlings on the Kyogle Road. But no, they can’t leave just because they filled their quota in the first hour, in fact it may even mean they get a bigger budget next year seeing “they saved so many people”. And it’s not true our chopper is dropping thousands of seeds as it flies over National Parks with your weed. It’s more like millions.

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