UndaPants and HipiLeaks

Christmas is a hard time for Undacuvas. We are nearly normal too, we have children and like to let our hair down too, but it’s impossible to switch identities for a day or two, the public holidays. Be who you really are for a day? Some try, all fail. It usually means the end of an Unda career, or worse. How come I’m the North Coasts longest serving covert? I never have Christmas with my kids.


Talk about cracks in the wall, the recently retired Sarge was seen in barefeet and a headband in the Emporium, buying the local brown rice. He is not Undacuva I assure you, he wants no part of us. It must have really got to him. Maybe the bit where you have to shoot to kill.



I remember Julian well from when he was a teenager hanging in Nimbin. Always a little aloof and separate he was soon noticed by our recruiting officers. As usual I had to do the groundwork forcing a friendship with him.


He wouldn’t smoke with the rest of us much and thought that weed was mostly for idiots though he admitted he liked the ideas he got from it.


I’ll never forget his reply when I finally asked if he wanted to work as an Unda. Those blue eyes were ice wild, “You’ve got me wrong brother, I’m on the other side. I’m for truth, the one thing I have in common with the hippies. I will help you though,” he said.”In time I’ll send you some HipiLeaks.”
I hardly saw him again, his mother kept moving houses, then one day, by some miracle, stuff just started arriving in my email. Here’s some snippets for you from the Social Order Unit in Canberra.


March 2010: “All authorities are to stop the 5 kilometre ban from Nimbin. The camp on the roadside at that point is now out of control and too difficult to manage.”


May 2010: “Maintaining seedy Nimbin is of the highest priority. Canberra and Washington have not spent forty years cultivating this patch of weeds for nothing. The hippies are a very real threat to our capitalist system and their philosophy of sharing their land, cars, clothes and even their drugs and bodies, is a direct threat to the stability of our society. They appear to have no conscience about receiving unemployment benefits and have even built a “Dole Temple” as a form of Centrelink worship. Their lack of respect and refusal to join the workforce is a direct assault on the national security. Many of them are well travelled and educated and better to leave them in their huts in the bush rather than drive them out into the cities where their confidence and influence is much greater. However, full pressure must be maintained on any who are in the public eye.”


June 2010. “Some hippie communes have put in a claim for accrued carbon credits which could make them all very rich and give the appearance of success. It is believed they are vegetarians who locked cows out decades ago and grew jungles to hide their crops of marijuana. Now each acre is worth a small fortune in credits and they measured and counted every tree and worked out how much they are worth. Whatever happens they must not get this money. Our accountants have it as top priority. Please ensure all claimant communities are targeted in the next marijuana raids (map enclosed). Anyone with a criminal record will be excluded from carbon credit payments.”


Sept 2010.”The DEA advise the cannabis raids in Nimbin must not be too much, nor too little. They say cannabis sales are needed to maintain social order.
There are concerns if the cannabis is made too scarce more alcohol is consumed which causes much more serious disorder. Cannabis is best to quieten the anger in the masses while alcohol has the opposite effect. On the other side, if it is left for too long without policing the anti-capitalist hippies think we are softening our attitude to them. This must not happen.”


Dec 2010.”We have information there is excellent quality organic marijuana available in Nimbin at present and we need two pounds for experimental research over the summer period. Please treat this order as urgent.” (I was given the last job with the ADHD Kid and we completed it in a morning, still keeping the primo for ourselves.)


Dec 2010.”Ignore the hippy complaints about their roads needing work. They may have taken over the village but we control all entries and we want to make sure they don’t forget it.”  


Dec 2010.”Fix the Nimbin road potholes asap. Sir Peter and Lady Moncrieff broke the axle of their new Jaguar and have threatened expensive legal action.”



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